The Story of FauxHawk

I don't want to use names. It's rude and even though the Internet is a very big place, it's very small. Chances are you see this and know someone referenced. Chances are the person this is about cyber-stalked my various online profiles and found this. I don't use real names for the purpose of this, but when dating a few people it can become difficult to differentiate the guys and they all need little nicknames. This is a post about a guy I met on a dating site, who we shall call "Faux Hawk".

Faux Hawk, for the record is a very nice guy. You know the type. Shows up on time, wears clean clothes, maybe even new clothes. He tries to smell as best as he can and he uses what manners he has to impress you as best as he can. Fresh haircut, clean shaven. Very nice guys tend to, as the saying goes, finish last. This is because somewhere along the line they were taught to just simply,"be nice", and just simply being nice, sadly isn't enough.

Now I've dated lots of nice guys. But I'm not looking for "nice". I'm looking for sparks, for wow, for Va-Va-Voom. Most nice guys lack that passion because they are too busy being "nice". For all you nice guys out there reading this, pull out the notepad and brush up.

For our first date, Faux Hawk and I went to dinner and a movie. This is a perfectly perfect example of a, you guessed it, nice date. All of the basic components are there. Nice dinner with very little room to mess up conversation, a movie theater where, at any given time, at least 2 movies will be about to start, and the girl gets to "choose" the flick. Isn't that nice? But what a movie doesn't allow for, is talking. In fact, that can get you kicked out of a theater, and spending half of your date in silence not only guarantees that the date will run at least 3 hours in length with dinner, but also that 2/3rd of it will be error proof. (That's granted you don't sleaze out and try to make some sort of move on them!) A 2/3rd's error proof date is formula for a second date.

For our second date, Faux Hawk and I went to a comedy show. This, like the movie, is usually spent without the ability of conversation. A comedy show is a great place for a date because, (although I would suggest it as a 3rd or 4th date) you can see what type of humor your suitor finds funny. Someones humor says a lot about them. If they are doubled over in laughter at the fart jokes, you're looking at someone who likes to be silly. If they chuckle at the subtle humor in the political jokes, you're looking at someone who likes to be willfully informed about the world around him, (and then you can find out if he's a Republican or Democrat!). If he's laughing at the crude sex humor, he's most likely just a man, but trust me when I say he's probably got a kinked side in there. If he laughs at it all, he could really just be the kind of guy who likes to laugh, and that's ok as long as the comedian was actually funny. Faux Hawk laughed at most, paid for our 2 drink minimum concoctions and we trotted off for a late dinner at a 24 hour diner.

We had some decent grub, and when the check came I was feeling a bit guilty that he had spent so much on the show tickets and drinks that I casually offered to grab dinner, and without a moments hesitation he passed me the check. This struck me as odd, as I'd really never had a man, on a second date mind you, actually take me up on the offer to pay for our meals. I tossed $30 bucks on the counter and we left. I'm not quite sure if a nice guy would do this on the second date, in fact I'm not even sure if a jerk would let the girl pay on the second date. But I have no idea, and that's why I'm here right?

A week went by, I was busy with work and out of town, and eventually we agreed to a third date. This was the one that made me realize Faux Hawk had landed in the dreaded "Friend Zone".

We agreed to meet down at the beach at a place that had been voted "Best of" a few times, and he knows I'm a HUGE foodie so we went. This is the third date, and any true "Nice Guy" would still be on his best behavior, manners completely intact. I show up about 10 minutes after him to find him sitting AT the table IN the dining area. I got a zealous wave of "OVER HERE!" and was slightly peeved at him for sitting without me, and slightly peeved at the wait staff for seating him. We peruse the menu. Seafood. 90% Seafood. This is usually not too much of a problem, but I am allergic to Seafood. Strike Three Mr. Nice Guy. I ordered the steak seeing as there wasn't much else to pick from. We had some nice conversation, (finally!!) and talked about work and his new pet. We ended the night walking down by the beach and finishing the conversation. There are really no sparks with Faux Hawk and as nice of a guy as he is, this is why they always finish last.

Perhaps we will hang out again, but just as friends. He's a bit too overly communicative with the texting and IMing throughout the day, even when I am very busy and express that to him. This is another reason they finish last, they don't "get it". Refer to Rule #2 with this one. Being mysterious and not putting it all out there for the world to see is actually a turn on for both men AND women.

Who knew?!